


Take us over life's rough seas

by NotVilkacis



Category: Frozen (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Light Angst, Romance, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-04-26 13:18:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14402943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotVilkacis/pseuds/NotVilkacis
Summary: Elsa and Anna reunite after five years apart and must come to terms with the mistakes they made in the past. Notes: Elsanna, mAU, incest, some angst





	1. Chapter 1

_"May the world be full of sunshine,_  
_And our meetings frequent be_  
_Hours of joy & quiet time,_  
_Take us over life's rough seas." - Eleanor Roosevelt_

**Present Day - Vermont**

The sound of the doorbell cut jarringly through the usual silence of the house. Elsa looked up from her computer in surprise. She was not expecting anyone. Elsa never had unscheduled visitors. Household maintenance was always meticulously scheduled. Packages were always delivered to her post office box that she visited once a week. Her groceries were delivered every Tuesday.

After consideration, Elsa decided to ignore the bell and turned her attention once more to her laptop. She had work to do and turning away some sort of salesman or Jehovah's Witness was not productive. The bell rang again insistently, this time thrice in rapid succession. Elsa frowned and took a deep breath, trying to calm the irritation that was rising within her. She glared in the direction of the door, daring the bell to ring again.

Five more bells. The sound was angry and impatient. Elsa hesitantly rose to her feet, a sense of dread growing in the pit of her stomach. Shouldn't they assume no one was home at this point? She considered the facts. Her car was in the driveway so it might seem like she was home. On the other hand, her property stretched for two acres of dilapidated farmland so it wasn't a certainty that she was in the house.

Was there some sort of emergency? An evacuation? She hadn't received any notifications or news. The doorbell persisted. Curiosity won in the end, and Elsa walked quickly to the front door. As she got closer she heard the banging that accompanied the rings. She paused mid-step, her mind running through some gruesome examples of serial killers and murders she had read about recently on Wikipedia.

Would a criminal bother to knock? She hesitantly approached the door and pulled back the curtain of the window on the top half to see who was there. Familiar blue eyes stared back at her. Elsa gasped, dropped the curtain again and then fell to the floor, out of sight with her back to the door.

"ELSA!" Her sister bellowed, banging and ringing with renewed vigor. "I saw you! I'm not leaving until you open the door!"

"I'm not here!" Elsa blurted out, then slapped her palm to her forehead. _Idiot_. "I mean — it's just — go away, Anna!"

"I drove for six hours to get here! I'm not leaving!"

Elsa sighed. What was she even doing? A hundred disparaging remarks flew through her head. How many times had she dreamed of seeing Anna again? Now she was here and what was she doing? Hiding and babbling nonsense through the door like an idiot. Elsa rose to her feet and took a slow deep breath before exhaling with a quiet sigh.

A thousand questions ran through Elsa's mind ranging from obvious important ones such as how Anna had managed to track her down, to small insignificant ones like did Anna still hate cheese. Elsa raised a shaky hand to the doorknob. Five years of training surely couldn't be for nothing. _She's just your sister_.

The door swung open and despite everything, Elsa still felt shocked that it really was Anna standing there. Five years older than when she had last seen her, but definitely Anna. Her strawberry-blonde hair was shorter, pulled back into a single ponytail instead of the two braids she used to sport. Her face was flushed, probably from the shouting and pounding, but she smiled in relief when she saw Elsa across the threshold of the door.

 _Beautiful._ Elsa shook the thought away and then suddenly became very self-conscious of the fact that she was just wearing an oversized sweatshirt with a picture of a moose and faded jeans. "Anna," she breathed, then cleared her throat. "Hi."

"Hi?" Anna repeated, her voice incredulous. She made a face. "I mean, well, yes, _hi_. Hello sister I haven't seen in five years. Hello my only family that I didn't even have the decency to call once. Hi, person I grew up with for seventeen years before deciding that running away forever was a cool thing to do."

"Anna," Elsa said, lowering her eyes in guilt. "How did you find—"

Elsa's words were cut off mid-sentence as the younger girl encompassed her in a strong hug. Elsa stood helpless for a second, then her arms came up and hesitantly returned the embrace. "Elsa," Anna whispered, her breath hot against Elsa's neck. "It's really you."

"It's me," Elsa choked, her grip tightening as emotions flooded her. She wasn't sure how long they stood there, unmoving, just holding each other. Elsa simply clung to Anna, immobilized by fear. She was half afraid she would wake up and Anna would fade away, just another vivid dream. She was more afraid that this was real and she would need to explain her actions and face the past. Elsa wasn't sure she was ready for that.

Anna stirred first, stepping back out of the embrace and rubbing the tears out of her eyes. She looked as conflicted as Elsa felt, but her eyes had a determined glint. "We have a lot to talk about," Anna said and the tone of her voice left no room for interpretation as to what they would be talking about.

Elsa took a deep breath. Here was her big chance, the one she had played over time and time again. This was how she could rewind time, fix the mistakes of the past. She could take Anna's hand in hers, apologize and say that she had been confused and wrong and that she was sorry.

 _"Elsa-Elsa no, that's—that's disgusting."_ Anna's voice rang vividly in her mind. Her carefully rehearsed words died in her throat, choked by fear and shame. Elsa pressed her lips together tightly and swallowed, motioning for Anna to enter the house. _"You can't think that this is real."_

Hands clenched tightly at her sides, Elsa took a deep breath to calm herself. She willed herself to think of something-anything-that would stop Anna's words from replaying in her mind over and over. Wounds that she had spent years carefully bandaging were ripped open anew. The armor and poise she had trained on so hard were shattered. _Pathetic,_ she thought. She used to think that if she just had more time she could maybe manage to make amends and things could go back to a semblance of normality. But even as Elsa stood there, lamenting over the past, feeling all the pain anew, one emotion stood out stronger than all the others. Desire. _"-That's disgusting."_

They sat at the kitchen table overlooking what used to be a pasture for cows to graze. It had snowed heavily the week before and the pastures were still covered in a blanket of white. The bright afternoon sun reflected almost painfully off the snow.

How did one start a conversation like this? How does one greet a sister not seen in over five years? Elsa swallowed and looked up to find Anna gazing intently at her, also seemingly at a loss for words.

"I'm sorry." Start simple. "I'm sorry," Elsa repeated, trying hard to keep her voice calm and level. "I know I just kind of disappeared without saying anything, I just- "

_Needed time to get over my incestuous lust for my little sister?_

"Why couldn't you just talk to me?" Anna interrupted, looking hurt. "I know a lot of stuff happened but why couldn't we have talked about it? I-I know I said things and a lot of things happened back then, but were you just planning to never talk to me again?"

"I just thought it was better this way," Elsa blurted, surprising herself with the truth. "I —I needed time, Anna. It was…hard. I didn't feel like I could be around you."

The words struck home and a pained expression flashed over Anna's visage, the anger dissipating, replaced by guilt. Elsa knew Anna was also now thinking about what exactly had happened between them. How could she not?

"I know. And I'm the one who is sorry. I'm so sorry for everything I said—everything I did back then." Anna's face flushed at her own words and she began to study a knothole in the wood table intently.

Elsa wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Of course, Anna would be _sorry_. Sorry that harsh words had been exchanged, sorry that a game had gone too far. Even now, Anna couldn't possibly believe that what Elsa had said back then was the truth. That she was such a twisted and unnatural person. Anna was too good to believe that Elsa could be something so wrong.

"You don't need to be sorry," Elsa said, her voice soft. "You didn't do anything wrong. I just needed to be alone."

"I read your book." Elsa jerked her head up in surprise at the change in conversation, her cheeks flushing. Anna pulled a tattered paperback out of her bag. She hesitated for a moment, then flipped it open to the fourth page and read the dedication out loud. " _For my sister, A_. I thought you hated me." A nervous laugh echoed through the kitchen. "The first few years I really believed you hated me. But then I read this. I read this and was so relieved. Though, you know it's weird to dedicate a book to someone and never tell them about it."

"But you only read fantasy novels," Elsa said accusingly. Anna had read her book. Anna had read the book and knew Elsa had written it. "Also, I wrote that under a pen name."

"Elsa Adams, E. Arendelle. It wasn't that big of a jump," Anna said with a small laugh. "Once I knew, I had to find you. What kind of last name is Arendelle anyway?"

"My editor suggested it. He said it was European." Elsa shrugged and resisted the urge to take the book away from Anna. She had always known that there was a possibility Anna could read the book, but she never thought Anna would know Elsa had written it. She should have picked a better pen name. "Also, I think a normal person wouldn't jump to the conclusion it was me."

"I'm not just anyone, Elsa. I _know_ you."

Elsa felt her heart throb inside of her at those words. Anna reached across the table and took Elsa's hand between hers. The warmth of Anna's hands, the softness of her voice, Elsa wanted to close her eyes and believe that everything was okay, even if only for a moment. For a moment she could…

_"We can make it work," Elsa said, her voice excited. Anna was lying next to her, her head resting on Elsa's shoulder, Elsa's fingers absently running through strands of red hair. "Our inheritance will last at least until you graduate college. Then we can move, somewhere. Anywhere. A place no one will know we're related. I could get a name change."_

_"A name change?" Anna repeated hesitantly. "But Elsa, what about your plans? I thought you were transferring to Columbia after I graduate."_

_"I don't care about that, I just want to be with you." Elsa rolled over, pinning Anna beneath her. "Anna, you're the only thing I need."_

_She leaned in to kiss the other girl, but Anna turned her head away. A pit of dread began to form in Elsa's stomach. "Anna?"_

_"Elsa," Anna began, her voice unnaturally neutral and quiet. "You can't think that this is real?"_

_Elsa recoiled as if slapped. She sat up and looked at Anna, waiting for an explanation, a retraction, anything that would soften the words that had been said. Anna didn't look at her. She got up and dressed silently, her back to Elsa._

_"Anna?" Elsa hated the way she sounded at that moment. Her voice was hoarse, her tone pleading. It sounded so pathetic to her ears. "Anna, I-I love you."_

_"Elsa, we're-we're sisters. We can't…we can't keep pretending that this is okay. You can't derail your entire life to make this work."_

_"Why not?" Elsa stumbled off the bed and grabbed Anna in a desperate embrace from behind. "Anna, I thought—I thought you wanted the same thing. I thought you also wanted us to be together for real."_

_For a moment, Elsa felt Anna soften into her embrace. In that brief moment, she saw the future clearly painted in front of them. A dream of the life they would live, regardless of what anyone else would think. Anna and Elsa, together forever._

_"Elsa—Elsa no, that's—that's disgusting!" As the door slammed behind Anna, Elsa realized how fragile and delicate her dreams had been._

Anna cleared her throat, startling Elsa from her reverie. Elsa wondered how many years would pass before the pain of that memory would begin to lose its edge.

"What happened back then," Anna started, then trailed off, her grip tightening nervously around Elsa's hand. "What happened back then was my fault, you know?"

"It wasn't anyone's fault Anna," Elsa lied. She knew it was her fault. She was the one harboring unnatural feelings. She was the one who was tainted by perverse desires. She was the one who was broken.

" _Was I a monster from the start? Has the dark in me finally come to light?"_ Anna quoted from the book, her voice sad. Elsa looked up, but Anna turned her face away to look at the fields of snow outside. "You weren't the monster in that story, Elsa. I know you think you were, but the monster was actually…the monster was me."

Elsa looked at Anna in confusion. The younger girl took a deep breath, then began to explain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: The book quote is actually lyrics from Monster from Frozen on Broadway, (C) 2018 Walt Disney Records


	2. Chapter 2

**Six Years Ago – Connecticut**

"Why do you always hate my boyfriends?" Anna snapped angrily at Elsa, as her probably soon-to-be-ex boyfriend Trevor practically ran out the door.

"I don't hate your boyfriends," Elsa protested weakly. "I mean, well this one, Travis-"

" _Trevor!"_

"Sorry, Trevor. I mean, what do you even see in him? He was kind of, well…lame."

"Lame?" Anna repeated, her voice rising.

"I mean, he said he planned to major in Sports Management so he could get a job with the NFL," Elsa scoffed. "That's not a reliable goal."

"That doesn't make him lame. And that doesn't give you the right to grill him on it or ask him if he's considered ' _alternatives for all viable outcomes'_ ," Anna argued, even though she completely agreed with Elsa. "I mean, who does that?"

Even though Trevor had basically proven himself to be a total bore, it didn't make it okay for Elsa to treat him like he was some sort of pond-feeding peasant scum. Also, she was always like that. Anna didn't expect Elsa to suddenly develop an outgoing, gregarious personality when she brought people home but it would be nice if she could at least maintain some sense of civility. Anna punctuated her outburst by storming out of the room in a well-rehearsed dramatic fashion.

She felt guilty almost instantly. After all, Elsa had basically sidelined her own life to take care of Anna after their parents died a year ago. She had given up basically a full scholarship to Columbia to attend night classes at the nearby community college while working packing boxes at a nearby warehouse during the day. Their parents had left a sizeable inheritance but Elsa insisted on working to make sure the money would last until Anna was out of college.

Anna sighed and decided she would apologize to Elsa in a bit. After all, they only had each other now. Admittedly, she also kind of enjoyed the way Elsa treated her like a precious crown jewel. It was nice to feel that special.

Later, she ran into Elsa after the shower and apologized in earnest for her earlier outburst. Elsa, who had looked more worried than upset, relaxed and accepted with no hesitation. The older girl had never been able to stay mad at Anna for long. The redhead smiled widely and pulled Elsa towards her for a warm hug.

It was funny how just a look could change everything. No, not even a look: a glance. It was nothing more than the barest flicker of eyes and the slightest flush of cheeks. A normal person might not have noticed the glance, but Anna had spent her life watching her sister. She probably knew her sister better than Elsa knew herself. Following the glance, Anna noticed the towel she had wrapped around her had slipped exposing a significant amount of cleavage.

In her room later, Anna sat on her bed, dwelling on that look. It was the same look she caught sometimes on boys at school. But Elsa was her _sister_. There was no way Elsa thought about her like that. I mean, they were from Connecticut, not West Virginia. Not only that, they were both girls. Not that girls couldn't like other girls. But not her sister. Her sister didn't like anyone and had never once in all twenty years of her life expressed any interest in dating. In fact, Anna had never remembered Elsa even talking about a crush. She didn't seem to like anyone – or even people in general.

 _She likes_ you _._ Anna flushed at the ridiculous thought. It probably was nothing. No, it _was_ nothing. Anna resolved to forget about the look.

Except she couldn't. Anna found herself watching Elsa even more closely. She dumped Trevor the next day and made a theatrical display that night to Elsa about the death of her teenage love. Elsa spent the night cheering Anna up, baking cookies with her and watching really old romance movies that Anna loved and Elsa usually hated.

Anna found herself cuddling up close to Elsa, leaning her head on the older girl's shoulder. She peeked surreptitiously at Elsa throughout the evening, wondering if she was imagining that Elsa seemed much happier than in the prior few weeks whilst Anna was dating Trevor.

There was nothing out of the ordinary about Elsa's behavior as they sat on the couch, but Anna couldn't stop thinking about this strange possibility that her sister _liked_ her. The idea possessed her. She knocked on the door of Elsa's bedroom that night holding her pillow.

"Can I sleep in here tonight?" Anna asked innocently. There was a tiny twitch at the corner of Elsa's right eye which meant she was uncomfortable. Anna felt a small thrill at this discovery.

"Anna, aren't we a little old-"

"Please? Elsa~" Anna whined, throwing her best impression of pleading doe eyes at her sister. Elsa sighed and opened the door. She never could say no to Anna. Anna suddenly wondered if that was another bullet in the "Elsa might have the hots for you" list.

Anna wasn't sure what she was doing, to be honest. She just had to know if her theory was right. That was all. She was just a scientist collecting data. Anna pretended to fall asleep next to Elsa, then rolled over, draping an arm over Elsa. She registered the slight tensing of Elsa's body before actually falling asleep against the warmth of her sister's back.

The experiments continued for over a week. She changed frequently in front of Elsa. Made sure to walk around the house after her showers in the towel. She touched Elsa – a lot. They even had their first pillow fight in years. On some level, Anna was aware of how insane she was acting, but she couldn't stop it.

Her whole life, she had looked up to her sister. Elsa, the smart, beautiful, graceful older sister. It wasn't something silly like an inferiority complex. Elsa had never once made Anna feel inferior. It was more of the fact that Anna spent her life in the presence of a celestial being who never seemed to do anything wrong which made Anna feel weird in her normalcy. In turn, this made this potential quirk of Elsa's somewhat fascinating.

No, it was just a stupid look. It didn't mean anything. Anna resolved that she would cease this madness. There was nothing to prove. There was no way Elsa liked her in that way. Elsa was just the same as always. Her big sister. Her only family. Anna would get over this and stop acting like an absolute idiot.

"Elsa, are you good at kissing?" Anna blurted out that night as they sat on the couch together watching Grey's Anatomy.

"What the fuck Anna?" Elsa cursed uncharacteristically. "What kind of question is that?"

"Um," Anna panicked slightly as she tried to find a good explanation for asking this. "It's just that um, Trevor said I wasn't good at kissing."

Elsa's expression softened and she reached out and gently rubbed Anna on the head comfortingly. "Oh, Anna. Trevor was a loser who didn't deserve you. He's not worth you being so upset for this long."

"I know that it's just," Anna started, then she stopped as she had a thought and looked Elsa in the eyes. _Don't say that stupid thought. Don't say it. Remember, stop the madness. Don't say it._ Anna said it. "Could you kiss me?"

"What?" Elsa began to laugh, then stopped abruptly at the expression on Anna's face. "What? Anna, you're joking right?"

If Anna hadn't detected a slight sound of nervousness in Elsa's voice at that moment, she probably would have stopped. But she knew Elsa too well, had watched her for too long and her mind still couldn't shake the memory of the look on Elsa's face that time.

"Elsa, you're the only person I can trust," Anna said. This was wrong. She needed to stop this right now before they crossed into some terrible point of no return. It wasn't worth it. Even if Elsa did like her like that, what would it matter? _She_ didn't like Elsa that way. They were sisters. It's not like they could date.

"Anna," Elsa said softly sounding ridiculously uncomfortable and shy. Anna felt a giddy rush of power course through her. These provocations, these experiments, they were exposing a side of Elsa that Anna had never seen.

"Come on Elsa, it's just a kiss," Anna pleaded, keeping her tone light. And before Elsa could react or run away, Anna leaned over and kissed her.

Elsa's eyes widened in shock and Anna felt her stiffen. Regret flooded Anna and she wondered if she had gone too far for the sake of her experiment. Elsa didn't seem to be enjoying this and Anna was actually a pretty good kisser (at least she thought so).

But then as Anna was about to pull away, Elsa's hand reached up and gripped the front of her t-shirt. Elsa's lips pressed with a hungry fervor against Anna's own, tongue darting out and teasing against Anna's as she kissed her back.

Anna reached up and tangled her hands in Elsa's hair, pulling her more firmly against her. Anna moaned as Elsa's tongue slipped between her lips, exploring her mouth.

 _Who the fuck had Elsa been kissing?_ Anna wondered. Elsa was awfully good at this for someone who had never dated anyone before. _Actually_ w _hat the hell are you doing? You're kissing Elsa._ The thought jarred Anna back to reality. She pulled away suddenly, her hands coming down and pushing weakly against Elsa's shoulders. Elsa sat back, her expression dazed, one hand raised absently up to her lips.

"Um, so, that wasn't bad, right?" Anna said, laughing. She wondered if the laugh sounded as fake to Elsa as it did to her.

"I don't know. Yes, I mean no!" Elsa stammered, jerking her hand stiffly to her side. Elsa looked like a skittish gazelle from one of those nature documentaries with the British narrators.

There was that feeling again. That euphoric high of knowing she had this kind of power over her sister. Elsa's face was flushed a deep red which was ridiculously cute. "So you liked it?" Anna asked teasingly.

"Yes, no, er that is…" Elsa sounded absolutely beside herself. Anna smiled and reached out to brush a stray strand of platinum blonde hair out of Elsa's face. Elsa gave her a wane smile before she softly said, "Trevor's clearly an idiot."

"Thanks, Elsa," Anna said and hugged her.

That night Anna lay in bed staring at the ceiling. She was fairly certain that she had proven beyond reasonable doubt that Elsa was pretty into her in that way. So what now?

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Six Years Ago - Connecticut**

"This is _not_ normal," Anna muttered to herself as she surveyed the kitchen after her whirlwind of cooking. She hadn't been able to sleep much the night before, so she had given up around 5:00 AM and decided to bake muffins for breakfast. At some point, she had decided that the muffins should be accompanied by some protein, so she had begun working on a frittata. Then she spotted a half-open bag of chocolate chips in the fridge, so she had whipped up Elsa's favorite pancakes. After which Anna had noticed the fruit was getting a bit withered so she had turned that into a fruit salad. In the end, by 7:30 a full course spread covered the dining table and the kitchen looked like a disaster zone. _Yeah, you totally played this real smooth, Anna._

It was Saturday so Elsa had the day off and Anna didn't have school or plans. Elsa sometimes worked on Sundays and their weekdays went by generally in a blur, so while it hadn't ever been vocalized, at some point Saturday became family day. In one of her many self-berating debates of the prior sleepless night, Anna had decided to focus on the fact that Elsa was her only family left. The best thing to do was to not mess that up with the stupid ideas that went through her head.

"Whoa," Elsa's voice startled Anna from her thoughts and she nearly dropped the bowl of fruit salad. Her sister was standing in the entranceway of the kitchen, in her normal sleeping attire of an oversized t-shirt and blue pajama bottoms. Elsa's eyes swept between Anna, the kitchen, and the dining room table. "What happened here?"

"Um, breakfast?" Anna said and nervously laughed. "I um, woke up early and was, ah, bored."

"Breakfast for the entire Thomson High Football team?" Elsa asked, raising an eyebrow in concern. Anna stuck her tongue out childishly at Elsa, feeling a wave of relief that everything seemed to be fine despite the bizarre event of the prior night.

"Just sit down, I'll be right there." Anna set the fruit salad on the table and grabbed two large glasses and filled them with orange juice. She then fetched a faded blue mug from the cupboard and filled it with coffee for Elsa.

"You made coffee too? But you hate coffee."

"Yeah, but you like it," Anna mumbled, feeling her cheeks flush. What was _wrong_ with her? She managed to somehow juggle everything to the table.

"Anna, this is so…nice," Elsa said hesitantly. Sitting across from her sister, Anna now saw the dark circles under Elsa's eyes. Someone else hadn't slept either. Okay, maybe everything wasn't okay. An awkward mood settled over the table as the two sisters sat in silence.

"Pancakes!" Anna practically shouted disrupting the silence and causing Elsa to jump slightly in her seat. Her sister gave her a confused look. "I, um, I made chocolate chip pancakes!"

Anna grabbed the platter from the table and piled pancakes high onto Elsa's plate before grabbing a muffin for herself. She removed the liner and found herself staring intently at the pattern it left on the muffin.

"These are amazing," Elsa said, moaning appreciatively around a bit of pancake. Anna thought about the way Elsa had moaned while kissing her the night before. She swallowed nervously. Elsa must have had a similar thought because she suddenly turned her attention to her plate, her cheeks flushing crimson. They ate the rest of the meal in silence.

Later, Anna paced back and forth outside Elsa's bedroom door. They should talk. Or they shouldn't talk. Maybe they just needed time to get over it. But Elsa _liked_ her. Anna bit back a sigh, as she wondered what she had done. Anna lifted her hand to knock, then dropped it. Did _she_ like Elsa? Kissing her had been nice. Really nice. Anna touched her fingers to her lips absently. Elsa's mouth had been warm and soft, and she had-

Oh god, Anna was becoming some weird incestuous pervert. Family. Elsa was her only family. She wouldn't make things weird. She would fix everything. Elsa was probably just also confused. She had never dated anyone and basically had spent most of her life watching after Anna and had probably confused sisterly love with attraction. Maybe she just needed to date someone to get over this little quirk.

The door swung open and Elsa was standing there, dressed now in jeans and a blue sweater. "You're going to wear away the carpet," Elsa said jokingly, and Anna flushed.

"Um, hi." Anna wondered why she was so nervous. "I just wanted to, um, talk about last night."

Elsa laughed nervously and avoided meeting Anna's eyes. "There's nothing to talk about, Anna. Just, a stupid thing that got out of hand. Let's forget about it, okay?" Her words were mechanical and rehearsed.

Anna stared at Elsa. It was everything Anna had been planning on saying, but why did it feel so wretched hearing it now from Elsa? Her sister stood in front of her, her form tense, arms crossed tightly in front of her. Anna glanced down to confirm that Elsa's left hand was nervously clenched around her elbow. Elsa always did that when she was nervous or upset.

"Yeah, but," Anna said hesitantly. For the first time since Anna had started this whole thing, she finally found herself wondering what Elsa might think about the situation. Did she know about it? Did she just realize herself? Did she hate herself for it? Anna suddenly felt like the world's biggest asshole.

"Anna, please. Let's not talk about this," Elsa begged, her voice sounding panicked. She looked away, the knuckles on her hand turning white as she dug her fingers into her elbow.

"Elsa," Anna said softly. She reached out with one hand, cupped Elsa's cheek gently and turned the other girl's face towards her. Elsa's eyes went wide. "Hey, it's okay," Anna said, tracing her thumb across Elsa's jawbone.

When they had received news about their parents' death, Anna had cried the entire night, sobbing into Elsa's shoulder as her sister held her tightly. Elsa had stroked Anna's hair, wiped away her tears and had promised Anna that everything would be okay. Since then, Elsa had never once complained to Anna about anything – about her long hours of work, about having the burden of taking over the household, of giving up her scholarship to Columbia. Anna knew that Elsa had never once complained despite how terrible things were for her because she didn't want Anna to ever feel like a burden.

"Elsa, do you," Anna paused and took a deep breath before continuing, "Elsa, do you like me?"

Anna's tone didn't leave room for interpretation as to what she meant. Elsa's entire body recoiled as if slapped. She opened her mouth to reply, then shut it again, squeezing her eyes shut. "Anna," Elsa finally managed to whisper, her voice ragged. She opened her eyes and looked at Anna, shame etched across her face. Tears welled in Elsa's eyes and Anna felt her heart break.

"Hey, shh, it's okay," Anna said soothingly. She pulled Elsa towards her, and this time it was Anna who held Elsa tightly. She stroked Elsa's back reassuringly as Elsa sobbed against her shoulder. "It's okay, I love you. No matter what."

"I don't know what's wrong with me," Elsa whispered and Anna pulled back slightly and wiped Elsa's tears away gently with her hands.

"Nothing's wrong with you," Anna reassured Elsa. "Come on, it's okay. Everything's fine. I'm still here. You're still here. The incest police haven't broken down the door – wait, sorry, too soon?"

Elsa flinched at the word incest, but she managed a smile at Anna's joke nonetheless. Anna felt some relief. She wanted to be a person that Elsa could rely on. She wanted Elsa to stop trying to do everything on her own.

As Elsa calmed down, the two of them simply sat on the floor in the hallway for a while, Elsa's head on Anna's lap. Anna combed her fingers through Elsa's soft hair, enjoying the comfortable silence and absence of the earlier tension.

"I won't do anything," Elsa said quietly, rotating so she could look up at Anna. "I just want you to know, I would never do anything to you."

There was something about the look on Elsa's face at that moment. Anna felt the same thrill she had felt the previous weeks, a rush of exhilaration coursing through her at the vulnerability in her sister's eyes. It was that secret knowledge of the power she held over her sister that excited her.

"Unless I wanted to, right?" The words left Anna's mouth before she could check them. Elsa bolted up and scrambled away from Anna, her back against the wall. She gave a nervous laugh and pulled her knees up under her chin

"Don't joke about that stuff." Elsa's voice was barely more than a whisper. "It's not funny."

Anna stared at Elsa. She remembered a thousand little things Elsa had done for her over the years. She remembered the way Elsa had always picked Anna up in the rain with an umbrella; how Elsa had always waited for her after school to walk her home; how Elsa had always gone along with every and any wacky scheme Anna had come up with over the years without complaint. When had Elsa started to feel this way? Anna remembered the way Elsa had held her the night before, how Elsa's lips had felt against her own, Elsa's tongue pushing past her lips hungrily. "I'm not kidding."

"Anna, I," Elsa stammered, looking unsure.

"Elsa," Anna moved so that she was leaning over Elsa, one hand pressed against the wall by Elsa's head, the other hand cupping Elsa's chin. She forced Elsa to look her in the eyes. "I'm telling you to kiss me, stupid."

Elsa leaned forward, then paused hesitantly as though she was afraid this was all a lie – a mirage that would disappear at any moment. Anna felt the barest brush of lips against her own, sending a flutter of anticipation through her body. A second kiss followed, firmer. Elsa's hand came up tentatively and wrapped around Anna's neck, pulling her closer. _So much for normalcy_.


	4. Chapter 4

**Present Day - Vermont**

"Anna," Elsa interjected, stopping her sister's story. Every word Anna spoke tightened a vice around Elsa's heart. Elsa didn't want to think about these painful memories. She had tried her best in the past five years to bury the past and move on. She wanted to forget about her shameful desires – she had dreamed of the day she would feel comfortable enough to face Anna again. She had even written her book initially as some idiotic cathartic exercise in banishing her demons. Elsa raised her eyes to meet her sister's. "Anna," she began again trying her best to sound neutral. "We don't have to talk about our mistakes. It doesn't matter who did what or who said what. It's all in the past now."

"But it's not your fault, Elsa, that's what I'm trying to say. I shouldn't have even…" Anna trailed off, catching herself. Awkward silence hung in the air between them. _You shouldn't have even started anything to begin with,_ Elsa thought bitterly, finishing Anna's sentence for her.

Anna's presence was causing Elsa to confront an uncomfortable reality. Until now, Elsa had managed to entertain a somewhat convincing delusion that she was making steady progress on getting over Anna. How did that Serenity Prayer go? Accept the things one couldn't change, courage to change the things one could and wisdom to know the difference? Elsa had spent the years of her self-imposed exile desperately believing she _could_ change.

It had been hormones. It had been nothing more than misguided lust. She had been confused by the death of their parents. It had been temporary insanity. Elsa had come up with every asinine reason to rationalize her behavior and move on.

Being in the same room with Anna for all of thirty minutes basically burned all that progress to the ground. Elsa sat in perfect stillness, trying to ignore the stupid flutters she felt every time Anna so much as blinked. Nothing had changed. Each time Elsa met Anna's eyes, she was flooded with feelings of overwhelming desire and worst of all – love. It was the love that caused her the most despair. Physical attraction was something that could be tamed but when Elsa looked at Anna her heart clenched, her breath hitched and she felt crushed by the knowledge that the only thing she had ever wanted was something that couldn't ever be hers. After all, it had been the unbearable pain of unrequited love that had made Elsa run.

When had she fallen for Anna? Elsa wondered on this often in her solitary contemplation. The earliest memory Elsa had was of the day that her parents brought Anna home from the hospital. It was the briefest scene of Anna's tiny chubby hand reaching out and grasping Elsa's finger with surprising strength. "You're a big sister now," her mother had said. Elsa had engraved those words in her heart.

Their childhood had been an easy one. Anna had learned at an early age that Elsa was unable to say no to her, and had used it to her advantage, dragging her older sister from one adventure to the next. Her parents chastised Elsa for that, saying that she needed to be more responsible. Elsa had dutifully tried to be the voice of reason but more often than not Anna would always get her way.

When their parents had died, Elsa hadn't even needed a second to make the decision to give up on college. Anna had needed her and it was as simple as that. Though, ultimately maybe it had been Elsa who had needed Anna. The loss of their parents had been hard on both of them. "At least we have each other," Anna had said that night as Elsa held her.

"We'll always have each other," Elsa had promised her; a promise that would be the only one Elsa ever broke to Anna. Feeling a wave of guilt, Elsa tried to salvage the current situation. "I'm sorry again that I left, but I just needed some…time. I'm better now." _Liar, liar, liar._ "I just never found a good moment to show back up, you know?"

"Christmas? My birthday? Your birthday? Or gee, I don't know, pretty much any day of any week would have been okay," Anna said sardonically. She stopped mid-tirade, a confused face flickering over her features, and asked in a softer tone, "What do you mean you're better now?"

Elsa looked away. "I…I mean, I'm not-" _Disgusting_. "I mean I'm no longer…I'm not, It's not. You don't have to be afraid that I'm still like that."

"Oh Elsa," Anna breathed softly. And the next moment she was out of her chair, taking stumbling steps towards Elsa. Strong arms wrapped themselves around Elsa, cradling her head against Anna's chest. "I could never be afraid of you. You're my sister." Anna said, her arms tightening their hold.

Elsa opened her mouth to reply, but then shut it, closing her eyes and resting her head in the crook of Anna's arm, her own arms wrapping around Anna's waist. She didn't know how long they just stayed like that, holding each other. Elsa hadn't realized how badly she missed Anna – no, she corrected herself sharply – how badly she missed human contact. She could feel the love (strictly familial of course) in Anna's embrace. She could have at least this, couldn't she?

The sound of a grumbling stomach interrupted them and Anna laughed and stepped back, her cheeks flushed faintly. "I just realized I'm starving."

"Oh, um, the fridge should have," Elsa paused, racking her brain for what food she had to offer. She tended to treat meals as a chore. Anna didn't wait for Elsa to finish and instead started her own inspection of the contents of the refrigerator.

"What the hell Elsa?" Anna's horrified voice called out from behind the fridge door. "There's nothing in here but yogurt and juice. Is this all you eat?"

"I think there's some cereal in the cupboard?" Elsa offered meekly.

"Oh hell no," Anna said shutting the fridge door and ripping off the lid of a strawberry yogurt. She looked around in mild disgust at the barren kitchen, then grabbed a spoon from the dish rack. "This is not going to do. We're going grocery shopping."

"Shopping? We don't need to go shopping right now. I, um, we can order some take out or something if you're that hungry," Elsa protested, though she wondered if there were actually places that delivered to her. Elsa also tried to think of the last time she had gone to the grocery store. Not since she set up the delivery service for sure.

"Shopping." Anna's tone was resolute.

Ten minutes later they were in Anna's car, an ice blue Volkswagen Beetle. Elsa's traitorous heart throbbed at the familiar sight of it. She couldn't believe Anna still had it. Elsa did her best to suppress the memories that were trying to claw their ways to the forefront of her mind and instead focused on the job of navigating that Anna had delegated to her.

"Wait, you don't know where the grocery store is?" Anna said, incredulously, two minutes later.

"I mean, it's probably down the next road?" Elsa made a face. "Or the one after that? Just give me a minute to—"

"I guess this explains why you have no food." Anna joked, laughing. She dug out her phone. "Hey Siri, where is the nearest grocery store?"

"I can find it, just a second," Elsa protested, but Anna's phone had already charted the directions. Elsa looked at it resentfully, then caught herself. _Normal sisters do not get jealous of a phone._ She was still confused how the day had progressed. This morning she had woken up at her usual time and begun the regular routine. Now she was somehow going grocery shopping with her estranged sister who was acting as if this was a totally normal thing to do.

Elsa was not going to question why Anna had so easily let their early conversation drop. She was thankful for the reprieve. Listening to Anna talk about the events that had happened had been borderline unbearable. Anna was trying to apologize for something that had never been her fault. Elsa could never blame Anna for anything. Anna had simply been truthful back then. It was Elsa who was the problem. Elsa who had harbored those queer desires and longings. Elsa who even now, despite all her efforts, could think of nothing more than how much she wanted to lean over and press her lips against the hollow of Anna's throat.

 _You are a complete failure,_ Elsa thought glumly but she managed to keep her expression neutral.

"Elsa," Anna said softly, her voice breaking the silence that Elsa hadn't even realized had settled throughout the car. Elsa felt a pang at the way Anna said her name.

 _"Elsa, do you like me?"_ Anna's trembling voice played in Elsa's mind. That was the way Anna said her name just now.

"There's the store!" Elsa blurted and pointed, just as Anna opened her mouth to continue. Siri echoed her finding.

After their parents had died and since Elsa was busy with work, Anna had always been the one to do the grocery shopping. Following her sister now, Elsa watched in fascination as Anna flitted from one area to the next somehow managing to be efficient yet capricious at the same time.

"Isn't this an awful lot of food?" Elsa questioned at some point, wondering how long exactly Anna planned on staying. Anna, in the middle of inspecting a cantaloupe, gave Elsa a pointed look.

"It's a _normal_ amount of food. I mean, how do you even live like that?" Anna asked as she deposited the melon into the cart. Blue-green eyes swept over Elsa, inspecting her much like she had inspected the fruit. Anna's lips twisted into a mischievous smile. "Besides, I need to fatten you up a bit. I mean seriously."

Elsa yelped as Anna reached over and pinched the blonde's stomach to emphasize her point, fingers unnecessarily sliding under the hem of Elsa's sweatshirt to touch skin. Elsa practically fell into a display of soda scrambling away, her cheeks flushing crimson.

"Elsa," Anna said in that familiar tone of voice. Elsa wished she could understand the look on Anna's face when she said her name like that. It looked an awful lot like the younger girl was in pain. _Stop being weird, you're making her worried,_ Elsa thought, mentally slapping herself. She could still feel Anna's fingers on her skin. "Elsa, you–"

 _"April to the registers, please. April please come to the registers."_ A voice blared over the loudspeakers.

"Did you get everything you wanted?" Elsa asked quickly as soon as the voice finished crackling over the intercom. She was determined to act normal. "I mean, I'm not saying you should stop. You can buy whatever you want."

Anna tilted her head slightly and gave Elsa a long, unreadable look. Whatever she was thinking though passed and she flashed a wide grin at the blonde. "Dessert! But after that, we're done."

Elsa pushed the cart and followed Anna as she dashed off looking for the baking section. For the thousandth time that day, she resolved to be better. Anna had come all this way in search of her, and if Elsa pushed her away, then she'd just be hurting the younger girl again. It was the last thing Elsa wanted.

Of course, the thing she wanted most conflicted directly with the thing she wanted the least. But at least she knew that now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started posting this a few weeks ago on ff.net and was reminded of AO3. Updates are probably around once a week. Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Six Years Ago – Connecticut**

Growing up, Elsa had dismissed most romance novels as trite garbage. She had never understood this idea of love at first sight. Whenever people spoke of their feelings it all seemed so cliché. Love always seemed to be explained in the same fashion. X loves Y, cupid's arrow strikes them, Y loves X, and flower petals flutter in the wind around them as they gaze in mutual admiration at each other while heartfelt confessions are exchanged and each one pretends that their words are original. Anna had always chastised Elsa for her lack of romanticism; the younger girl having watched The Princess Bride at an impressionable age had decided that finding her true love's prince (or pirate) would be the best thing ever.

Now, Elsa couldn't find enough words to express how she felt. Cliché expressions flooded her lungs, threatening to burst out with every breath she took. Their relationship, which had in the matter of 24 hours gone from something Elsa had only guiltily entertained in her most private dreams to something actually real, was every romantic movie, every stupid valentine's day card, every ridiculous word ever printed out on a pink heart-shaped balloon.

Anna filled her world with light. Anna was everything her heart desired. Anna was the stars in her sky. Anna was the world to Elsa. And now, something Elsa still found it hard to believe, Anna was _hers._

Elsa tread so carefully those first few days, afraid of shattering the precious gift that had been given to her. She still couldn't believe it. Sometimes, when things were relatively normal between the two sisters, Elsa would have the panicked fear that she had managed a very realistic delusion. Something that good couldn't possibly be real.

But then Anna would catch Elsa staring at her, and Anna's lips would twist into that sly grin that sent shivers through Elsa's body. Moments later, Anna would be kissing her and Elsa's brain would just stop functioning.

It was all very hard for Elsa to believe.

Anna's acceptance of her love had brought Elsa so much relief. The older girl hadn't realized how heavy the weight of her guilt had been until Anna had cast it aside. Elsa floated through her day to day now, her steps light and effervescent.

"Let's take a trip," Elsa had proposed. "After you finish school for the year."

Anna had agreed enthusiastically so Elsa had thrown herself into the planning. But where to? Money was a limiting factor. While Elsa didn't work because they were dirt poor, she was fairly prudent in managing their finances. The inheritance and life insurance from their parents' death would certainly pay for both of them to finish college with a bit left over. However, she had vowed Anna would never want for anything and work was part of that contingency.

The idea of going on a vacation with Anna made her want to throw thousands away into an extravagant European vacation. Elsa entertained many fantasies of that. She and Anna looking the Eiffel Tower at night. They could ride the London Eye together or explore old castles in Germany. Hawaii? Elsa swallowed at the idea of Anna lying on a beach in a towel scantily clad in a bikini. She fought the overwhelming urge to purchase the tickets immediately and closed the browser window.

Anna's birthday was in a couple of weeks and she had already planned a fairly extravagant present for that so she shouldn't spend too much. Elsa started searching for vacation ideas around New England. She stared at the search window in hesitation, then tentatively typed in the word "romantic" to precede her search.

* * *

"Oh my god Elsa, look!" Anna exclaimed, her forehead pressed against the car's window. "Look at the cows!"

"I'm driving," Elsa reminded her sister, but her eyes still glanced over to see the cows grazing in the pasture. They had been driving for three hours now and were finally enjoying the green mountains of Vermont via I-91. She had read about a beautiful bed and breakfast that was near a small lake at the foot of the mountains. The pictures she had seen had been gorgeous. Anna liked hiking too and it was in driving distance of the Ben and Jerry's Factory.

When they pulled into the parking lot, Elsa beamed at her sister in triumph. "We're here."

Anna was looking at Elsa with a mixture of surprise and curiosity. "We're going to a bed and breakfast?"

Elsa was crestfallen at Anna's lack of enthusiasm. Was it too boring? Had she made a horrible mistake? Their parents had brought them to Vermont on a trip a long time ago and she remembered Anna having a great time. "You don't like it?"

"No, it's not that. I mean it's beautiful out here," Anna said slowly, raising an eyebrow at Elsa, the corner of her lips twitching. "It's just, you know, a _bed_ and breakfast."

Elsa's face immediately turned bright red as understanding dawned on her. "No! I didn't mean – that is I wasn't implying…I mean I just wanted to…there's ice cream and…the lake…and I wasn't…"

Anna shut Elsa up by unbuckling her seat belt and kissing her. Elsa whimpered a quiet protest which died the second Anna's tongue slipped past her lips. Elsa sunk her hands into Anna's copper hair and kissed her back feverishly, heart thumping wildly in her chest.

They had only discussed sex once. Okay, they had not really discussed it so much as Elsa had practically fled from the room in terror when Anna had undone the buttons to Elsa's jeans. Anna hadn't pursued the issue much after that, but Elsa felt like the amount of random caressing had increased dramatically since the incident.

For some reason, the idea of having sex with Anna still made her nervous. It might be a thin line between making out with your sixteen-year-old sister and sleeping with her but Elsa still felt like it was a boundary she shouldn't cross. Elsa was supposed to be taking care of Anna. _She's seventeen in a couple of weeks,_ Elsa's lecherous brain reminded her.

Summoning herculean strength of will, Elsa pulled away from Anna, feeling mildly disgusted with herself. "We should probably check in. And then maybe we can go for a walk by the lake or something?"

Anna, as always, didn't push but she made a point of brushing some wisps of hair out of Elsa's face, her fingers lingering for a second too long against blonde's brow. Elsa shivered and tried to calm her pounding heart.

"I'm thinking of going to culinary school," Anna said later as they walked along a path that led down to the lake. Elsa turned her head in surprise at the announcement. "You know, I mean it's pretty much the only thing I'm good at."

"You're good at a lot of things," Elsa protested. She felt guilty at the panic that swept through her at the idea of Anna leaving for college. She had known it was what they had planned from the beginning. "You'd make a great chef though. I can vouch for it."

"Yes, I'll definitely write that on my application," Anna laughed and affected a mock serious voice. "Experience: Keeping my sister fed."

Elsa smiled at that and banished whatever worries she had. It would be okay. As long as Anna was happy anything would be okay. Anna moved closer and grabbed Elsa's arm, entangling their fingers. "Any school in particular?"

"I asked around and maybe Johnson & Wales in Providence or the Culinary Institute of America in New York?" Anna stopped, pulling Elsa up short, and gave the older girl a stern look. "Have you talked to the admissions office at Columbia about transferring?"

"It's still kind of early," Elsa said hesitantly. "You still have another school year, I think applications wouldn't be until February."

"Hey, if you do, we could both go to New York," Anna said, grinning. "Watch out Big Apple, here come the Adams Sisters."

In truth, Elsa had already decided she wouldn't transfer to Columbia. She had tried to defer her enrollment for three years, but they had refused and told her to reapply when she was ready, which meant she had lost the scholarship. After, Elsa had just enrolled at Thomson Community College. She had just gone along with Anna's idea that she would resume her life on hold once Anna graduated because she hadn't wanted Anna to feel guilty.

"It would be nice to go to New York with you." Elsa could make it happen. She could get a job while Anna went to school. "I'd like to see you in one of those tall chef hats," she teased.

"Hey, I would totally rock the chef hat," Anna said confidently. She then leaned over and pressed her lips just below Elsa's ear and whispered, "or I could just wear an apron."

"Anna!" Elsa gasped, jerking back, hand clamped over her ear and face flushed. Anna gaped at her for a moment, then just started to laugh. Elsa opened her mouth to make an indignant retort but before she could Anna swept Elsa up off the ground in a giant bear hug. Elsa squealed at the sudden motion, then began to laugh herself. After Anna set her down, the two just stood, holding each other.

Elsa buried her face in Anna's hair and wished this moment could last forever.

"Are you sure we grew up together? Sometimes I think you grew up in a nunnery," Anna teased, then pressed a chaste kiss to Elsa's cheek. "Was that too forward Sister Elsa? Oh goodness, and earlier we were holding hands!"

"Don't be a brat," Elsa said, swatting at Anna, who danced backward avoiding the blow.

They made their way down to the lake and found some chairs on the dock to sit in. The view was breathtaking. True to their name, the green mountains loomed over the lake in verdant glory. The sun was setting, casting an orange hue over the water. It was an idyllic picture.

Elsa looked at Anna, who was excitedly snapping pictures of a family of ducks and wondered how she could ever be so blessed. _I love you,_ she thought, heart swelling with emotion.

Anna pushed their chairs closer together and grabbed Elsa's hand, leaning her head on the blonde's shoulder. They sat for a long time like that, watching the sunset over the lake, dipping behind the lush mountains. _I wish we could stay here forever,_ Elsa thought wistfully.

That night, Anna shut the door to their room behind them with a wicked gleam in her eyes. She slowly approached Elsa, who backed away nervously until her knees hit something soft. Anna smiled. "Bed?"


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rating for this fic has changed to M. Please take note. Thanks!

**Six Years Ago**

What on earth was she doing? Anna stood motionless in the shower of their room, letting the hot water sluice over her as she leaned against the tiles. What in the actual name of every god in heaven was wrong with her? She had never meant to let things escalate this far. Not for the first time, she wondered if this was how people on drugs felt; watching the rational part of their mind shouting at their bodies to stop only to be totally ignored.

She wished she could go back to before she had started all this. Before that momentary flicker of desire in Elsa's eyes had roused her curiosity and Anna had started her inane experiments. She petulantly blamed Elsa for this. She could have stopped if Elsa hadn't been so adorably disarmed by every little thing Anna did. Things could be perfectly normal if Elsa would just stop looking at her with those wide, cerulean eyes that made her look like some sad puppy that desperately wanted a treat.

Anna had tried to think of ways to try to end things since this had begun. The problem was that she _wanted_ Elsa to be happy. There was a spring in Elsa's step these days like never before. The blonde practically floated through the house, vibrant and glowing. Seeing this, Anna felt overwhelming guilt at how she hadn't realized how restrained and muted Elsa had become since their parents' death. She had thought herself an expert on her sister and it pained her that she had been so blind to Elsa's unhappiness. Anna just couldn't bring herself to take that away now.

It wasn't as though she didn't like kissing Elsa either. Anna absently raised a finger to her lips, then immediately drew it away in irritation at the accompanying flash of heat that swept through her body. But she had to admit that kissing Elsa was so much different from kissing her old boyfriends. It was softer, sweeter and definitely hotter. Elsa had a tendency to occasionally make sounds that were a cross between a moan and a whimper. Eliciting those sounds out of the older girl had become Anna's new favorite sport.

_Yeah, this is all totally Elsa's fault._ Anna's inner voice mocked her mercilessly.

The spray of water stung the scratches left by Elsa's nails, flooding Anna's mind with a myriad of images – platinum hair splayed out across the pillow, hands clawing at her back as Elsa begged unintelligibly, voice hoarse with need. Anna flexed her fingers, swallowing thickly as she remembered how they had felt sliding into – _Jesus, stop it._

Anna groaned and shut off the tap in frustration. She closed her eyes, a cacophony of thoughts crowding her mind. She was just doing this to make Elsa happy, wasn't she? Elsa deserved to be happy after all she had done and sacrificed for Anna's sake. Her whole life, her sister had always been there for her, supporting her. The least she could do was help Elsa through this strange phase of her life. After all, it wasn't hurting anyone.

A few minutes later, she stepped out of the bathroom, running a comb through her damp hair. The sight of Elsa sprawled naked across the hotel bed stopped her in her tracks. Not for the first time, Anna marveled at how beautiful her sister really was – flawless really. And just like that, a switch was flipped. Sensible Anna took a backseat, quiet protests falling on deaf ears as Hedonistic Anna took over.

She tossed the towel covering her to the side and sank onto the bed next to the sleeping form. Her hand moved slowly, fingers caressing a path up Elsa's spine. Blue eyes fluttered open with an adorable confused mumble. A hand reached out towards her and Anna grabbed it, entwining their fingers and pressing a gentle kiss on Elsa's wrist. "Hey," Anna said softly. Elsa smiled up at her. A surge of emotion coursed through Anna and she drew the other girl towards her roughly.

This second time was different. Earlier, Elsa had been hesitant and timid, hands hovering over skin tentatively as if repelled by an invisible forcefield. Frustrated, Anna had growled and nipped reproachfully before grabbing her wrists and pressing her palms against Anna's breasts. "Don't be scared," she had said soothingly, capturing shimmering crystal blue eyes with her own and receiving a barely perceptible nod of acknowledgement. Anna had taken the lead then, garnering pleasure in seeing the older girl writhe under her ministrations and receiving each cry and moan as a trophy.

There was none of that timidity now. Elsa mapped out the contours of Anna's body eagerly, lips and fingers familiarizing themselves with every curve, every muscle, every inch of freckled skin. Eyes screwed shut, Anna twisted and jerked under Elsa's touch, hands grasping fistfuls of the bedsheet as she cried out. Pleasure peaking, Elsa's name escaped Anna's lips in a shaky breath as she wrapped her limbs around the taller girl pulling her close.

"You okay?" Anna opened her eyes to find shimmering blue orbs gazing at her. As the pleasurable languor left her body, the reproachful voice in her head was audible again. Suddenly, Elsa's gaze was too much – too full of affection, too caring and far too close to something that Anna didn't dare to name. Anna nodded mutely at the question, then rolled over with her back to Elsa, breaking eye contact. An arm crept around her midsection shyly, tugging her into a loose embrace.

_No one's hurt_ yet _,_ the nagging voice warned.

* * *

Anna sighed as she navigated through the crowded room. She had absolutely no desire to be at Trevor Blake's party. Unfortunately for her, Claire had called her the other night to demand her presence. "We miss you," the other girl had insisted. "Also, it was your birthday the other day and we never celebrated!"

"But I dumped Trevor," Anna had argued. "He wouldn't want me at his party!"

"Anna, he _definitely_ wants you at his party," had been the smug response. That alone had been enough to make Anna desperately want to avoid the situation. But Claire had been right. Anna had barely seen her friends since school had ended for the year.

She spotted the brunette at the kitchen island, looking fabulous as always in a strappy red dress, not a strand out of place in her perfectly styled bob. She was pouring a variety of things into a red solo cup. Claire looked up as Anna approached and grinned, thrusting the plastic cup into Anna's hand.

"What's in this?" Anna asked, sniffing hesitantly at the cup.

"Who knows? I just dumped a bunch of shit in there." Claire flashed her an innocent smile.

Anna shrugged her shoulders and took a sip. A second later, she was doubled over coughing. "Oh man, that burns," she wheezed, glaring at Claire who was laughing.

"Did you see that pool outside though? Trevor's parents must be super loaded," Claire gushed as she made another mystery concoction. Anna nodded, feeling uncomfortable. Trevor was the last thing she wanted to talk about.

"Hey, so what did you do for your birthday? You never answered my text. Jen says you didn't answer hers either." Anna was suddenly glad her face was red from coughing. She took a hasty sip from her cup. Okay, Trevor was the second to last thing she wanted to talk about.

Claire raised an inquisitive eyebrow at the redhead at her lack of response. "Um, I was busy," Anna said hesitantly. "With Elsa," the brunette chimed in, voice mocking as it echoed the redhead. Anna felt her cheeks grow hot.

"Your sister needs to get some friends," Claire said, rolling her eyes. She grabbed the shorter girl by the arm and started to lead her outside towards the patio. "I mean seriously, you're always hanging out with her because you're too nice."

"It's not that! Elsa has friends…" Anna trailed off as she realized that Elsa, in fact, really didn't seem to have any actual friends. In the past, Anna had just always assumed that Elsa hung out with people in her own time but when she really thought about it she couldn't think of a single person. Anna was really beginning to question her self-proclaimed designation as an Elsa expert. _At least you're an expert in kissing her now,_ her internal mocking commentary supplied.

"Eddie always said he never saw her talking to anyone." Claire's brother Eddie had been in the same class as Elsa. "Like seriously, you remember his friend James? The one with the motorcycle? Remember when he asked her out?"

Claire had told her the story a hundred times. Supposedly James had made a big gesture to ask Elsa to junior prom, meeting her after class with a bouquet of flowers and a whole dumb speech. Elsa had silently waited for him to finish his whole spiel and then, as the story goes, only said the word 'no' before walking off. Since learning this, Claire always joked that Elsa was secretly a robot.

Anna remembered James being a total douche either way and personally found the story hilarious. She came to her sister's defense. "Come on, leave her alone. Also, you won't believe what she got me for my birthday." Anna paused for dramatic effect. "A car."

"Shut. Up." Claire practically jumped in excitement, gossip about Elsa forgotten. "A car? I'm lucky if I get the minivan on a Friday night. Oh my god, we should totally take a road trip."

"Yeah, it's a blue VW beetle. It's super cute." _And has a surprisingly spacious backseat._ Anna took a long gulp from her cup, trying to force back the images that popped into her head.

The morning of her birthday, Elsa had woken her up at the crack of dawn, bubbling with excitement. Still half asleep, Anna had dutifully dressed and followed her sister downstairs, letting the older girl blindfold her with minimal protest. When the cloth was removed, Anna had gaped in shock at the brand-new car parked in their driveway. Elsa had even gone to the trouble of finding a ridiculously giant red bow to stick on the hood.

Anna had insisted they take an impromptu road trip and had driven them all the way to Long Island Sound to see the ocean. That night, Anna had thanked Elsa quite thoroughly for the gift.

Anna was startled from her reverie by Claire jerking her roughly to the side of the pool. "Sorry, I may or may not have told Trevor you'd talk to him. It's just he's been begging me to get you to meet him."

"Oh Claire, you didn't. I dumped him for a reason," Anna groaned, eyes darting around for a place to hide.

"It's not 'true love' is the lamest fucking reason I've ever heard." Claire gave the redhead a searching look. "Why did you really dump him anyway?"

Anna bit her lip pensively trying to think of a good reason that didn't involve disclosing her secret.

"It was Elsa wasn't it?" Claire accused. Anna's heart leaped into her throat and her breathing momentarily stopped. "Oh my god, he mentioned you dumped him after you invited him to dinner. Did she totally freak or something?"

"What?" Anna felt a mixture of relief and confusion.

"Anna, she's way too overprotective." Claire's voice had taken on a patronizing tone. "You can't take care of her forever."

"She's the one taking care of me," Anna protested, feeling a flash of irritation at the unwanted judgment. Claire started to argue back, but then Trevor found them. He smiled at Anna, raking a hand through his blonde hair nervously.

"Anna, hey," he said. Anna bit back a sigh. "I mean, how have you been? It's uh, been a while I thought we could maybe talk?"

The redhead glanced at her friend who was giving her a mildly apologetic look. She looked back at Trevor who was gazing at her expectantly. Anna took a deep breath, trying to calm the anger bubbling within her. Claire was only looking out for her. After all, they had been friends for years. In Trevor's defense, he hadn't actually done anything wrong and she had never really explained why they broke up. She should be understanding. A warm summer breeze blew through the yard bringing with it memories of the beach the other day. At that moment, Anna wanted nothing more than to go home to her sister.

"No," Anna said shortly. Then ignoring their reaction completely, she turned around and simply walked away.


	7. Chapter 7

**Five Years Ago - Connecticut**

The next months for Anna were what she imagined skydiving to feel like — exciting, weightless, thrilling. She silenced the cautioning voice as best she could, drowning it out with the euphoric highs that rushed through her from every illicit touch. They went on silly dates, spent the nights curled up on the couch talking, and took day trips whenever Elsa had the time. Little by little, the aura of sadness that had settled over the house since their parents’ death was swept away.

For the most part, it was wonderful. All the benefits of dating someone with none of the stress. Anna felt with Elsa a comfort she never had with any of the boys she had dated. She never worried about what she said, how she acted or what she looked like. She didn’t have to. Elsa had already seen Anna in a myriad of embarrassing situations and unkempt states. There was no threat of judgment here – no pretense of pseudo-perfection to maintain. Elsa freely offered her pure, simple, unconditional love.

Of course, Anna loved Elsa too. She had loved Elsa her whole life. But it wasn’t _love_. Experimenting sexually with your sister and falling in love with her were two entirely different things. Anna tried to remain resolute on that. She didn’t love Elsa like that. She was just making Elsa happy, and Elsa – of course, Elsa didn’t love her that way either. It was just a physical attraction — a phase that would pass. Anna had spent her life dreaming of her perfect true love, and it certainly wasn’t Elsa.

_This isn’t love_ , Anna thought as she pushed Elsa against the door to her bedroom and kissed her fervently. _It’s not love_ , Anna thought as Elsa’s tongue traced a path down her collarbone and shivers ran down her spine. _It’s not love, it’s not love, it’s not love,_ Anna chanted to herself as she wrapped her legs around Elsa’s head and came violently.

Three days before the end of summer, Anna came home from the store to find Elsa curled up on the couch asleep. Elsa was lying with her head back against a cushion, a paperback splayed open on her chest, wearing a white tank top and jeans. Anna couldn’t help but smile at the sight.

_It’s not love,_ she repeated to herself as her heart flip-flopped in her chest. She knelt in front of Elsa and gently untangled the book from her sister’s hand and placed it on the coffee table. Reaching out, Anna brushed some stray platinum strands to the side, her fingers lingering on Elsa’s brow. Anna impulsively leaned forward and kissed Elsa softly on the corner of her mouth.

Sapphire eyes fluttered open, and Elsa smiled at her. “Hey, you’re back,” Elsa said, voice husky from sleep. Anna nodded dumbly, her mind a whirl. Why had she kissed Elsa like that? It hadn’t been to make Elsa happy or to satisfy some physical attraction. It hadn’t been…for anything. Elsa reached out and cupped Anna’s face in her palm, thumb gently stroking the younger girl’s cheek. “I love you.”

Both their eyes widened at the declaration. Elsa jerked her hand back and stared at Anna, cheeks flushing, eyes filled with a mixture of fear and longing.

_Say something, say anything. Stop staring. Shit, you’re freaking her out._

“I love you too,” Anna said, but the tone was all wrong. She had intended to say it lightly. She had meant to ignore the obvious meaning attached to Elsa’s words and respond in a sisterly fashion. Instead, the words had left her lips like a hushed confession. _Traitor,_ Anna admonished herself, but she couldn’t deny the rush of emotions she felt at the way Elsa’s face lit up at her words.

Skydiving. Dimly, through the excitement and thrill, Anna could recognize the ground rushing towards her. She could see the impending crash. There was no way for this to end well, but instead of looking for the ripcord she simply shut her eyes to the danger. “I love you,” she repeated, sealing her words with a kiss.

* * *

School started and Anna saw less of Elsa. She tried to use the time apart to clear her mind. When she wasn’t near Elsa, Anna could think. She saw the futility of their situation. When Claire had asked her what she spent the entire summer doing, Anna had evaded the question but she had felt fear coldly wash over her. The thought of anyone finding out what she and Elsa had been doing terrified her.

What would people say? What would happen to Elsa? Oh god, what if they threw Elsa in jail? Anna’s mind was a whirlwind of panic. She came up with a thousand different ways to talk to Elsa about ending things. It would be fine. Elsa would understand as well. She must also know. They would be fine and things would go back to the way they were.

But then Anna would leave school. She would get home and park her car in the driveway. She would open the door, lock it behind her and set her keys in the little dish in the hallway. The emptiness of the house would hit her hard. She would think of the memories of her parents – her father greeting her from his office when she came home; her mother coming home at 5:30 on the dot each day. Three years had passed, but Anna could never get over how quiet the house was when she got home.

Then there would just be waiting for Elsa to come home. How she filled that time would vary – sometimes she would do homework, sometimes she would clean, other days she would just watch TV – but she would always be waiting – for Elsa.

So, when Elsa would come home and chase away the silence with her warm smile and comforting voice, how could Anna say the words she knew neither of them wanted to hear? Anna would open her mouth to say something but the words would stick in her throat.

_Elsa will stop it when it gets to be too much,_ Anna finally thought one day. She made the decision to just give up worrying about all of this. After all, hadn’t that been Elsa’s job her whole life? To stop Anna when she rode her bike too fast or climbed up a tree too high or tried to eat an entire jar of cookies. Elsa was her anchor, her safety jacket, her parachute. As long as Elsa was fine with things, it would be okay. Elsa knew what was best for them.

* * *

It was December and Elsa’s birthday was fast approaching. Anna paced back and forth in her room, desperately trying to think of a present. This year, in particular, she wanted to do something extra special. The problem was that Elsa had very few hobbies really. She went to her classes, she read a lot, and she worked.

With a sigh of frustration, Anna walked to Elsa’s room down the hall. She stood at the door for a moment and considered the violation of privacy. She had spent every night in there for the past few months, but it felt different than going in alone.

Anna pushed open the door and took a step in, brushing aside the concern. She was doing it for Elsa after all. She began to look around in search of ideas, for any hint as to what would make the perfect present. She realized that she hadn’t really looked around Elsa’s room in ages. Nothing had really changed in the past few years. Twin bed in the corner neatly made, immaculate desk by the window, but then shelves crammed every which way with books.

Anna examined one shelf, running her fingers along the spines. Elsa seemed to read a little of everything. She spotted classics like _Pride and Prejudice_ , things she had vaguely heard of like _Flowers for Algernon_ , along with books she didn’t know anything about.

This wasn’t helping her find a gift, though Anna considered an e-reader because it looked like Elsa was running out of shelf space. She walked over to the desk and smiled at the sight of a gift from a previous birthday sitting by the monitor – a snow globe showing two girls building a snowman. Anna picked it up and gave it a shake, watching as the tiny bits of snow created a flurry around the little figures. When she set it down, her hand moved the mouse, causing the screen to flicker to life.

Anna glanced at the screen and saw a document open. Elsa must have been writing something for school. Anna half turned away to continue her search when her name on the screen caught her eye.

_“It’s still like a dream to be with Anna. I never imagined that she could know how I feel and still look at me without disgust. That she wouldn’t see me as a monster, twisted and dark. How can anyone be so full of light and goodness? How can one person bring so much joy and love to my life? She’s Persephone, the only evidence of spring in my isolated world.”_

Anna exhaled sharply, realizing that this was Elsa’s journal. _Her private journal,_ Anna chastised herself but continued to read despite knowing how wrong it was. Her heart ached at the emotions so clearly bared here. She hadn’t realized. How could she have never realized? Elsa always smiled and listened to Anna, offered advice, comfort, and support but never spoke of her own fears or worries. She never said anything at all like what was written here.

Despite knowing that this was never intended for her to read, Anna couldn’t bring herself to stop. She scrolled up and found page after page of Elsa’s feelings. Anna had wavered so much on the nature of their relationship, on the meaning of love, but Elsa had never struggled with this. She loved Anna. Capital L.

_“She kissed me today. I can’t believe it. She asked if she was good at it – how could she think she could be bad at anything? I barely registered what she said though. My heart was pounding, and when I kissed her back I could barely contain the disgusting monster within me. It was so hard to conceal my perverse desires with her lips pressed to mine. Anna can never know how I feel. How much my heart aches for her – how much I love and want her. This can’t happen again.”_

Elsa had loved her from the start. It had never just been a physical attraction, a phase, a passing curiosity. Anna closed her eyes, feeling overwhelming guilt at how carelessly she had pursued Elsa in the beginning. It had been a game for her – an experiment. Every subsequent escalation had been out of her selfish desire to see what would happen. She hadn’t thought about the consequences. That was always her problem, Anna thought with a bitter laugh. She never thought things through. She acted first and let Elsa clean up the mess afterward.

She continued to read, mesmerized by the look into her sister’s feelings. She never knew Elsa had such a way with words; how poignantly and precisely she was able to convey the feelings she felt. The love, the attraction, the self-loathing and disgust at herself. Elsa apparently had absolutely no regard for her own future, and everything she did she was doing for Anna’s sake and comfort.

Elsa would never do what was best for herself. Anna clearly saw that now. Y _ou have to make the choice for her._ Anna closed her eyes and sank to her knees on the floor. All this time she had thought that making Elsa happy was all that mattered. But life was more than the two of them. Elsa had already given up so much.

Anna returned the document to roughly where she had found it and fled the room. In the privacy of her own room, Anna decided that this time she would stay resolute. She would be the one to watch after Elsa and keep her out of trouble. She would keep Elsa from going too far. She bought Elsa a simple card for her birthday, telling herself she’d make up for it next year.

It still took Anna months to build up the resolve. She applied for Johnson and Wales and told Elsa she was going to New York Culinary Institute. She pushed Elsa about transferring to Columbia saying that they would be together. She felt bad for lying, but it was for Elsa’s own good. She tried to reduce the physical aspect of their relationship, though failed more often than not. Anna found a thousand ways to delay breaking Elsa’s heart.

Then one night, Elsa started to talk to her about the future after New York, excitement brimming with each word. Anna realized she had run out of time.

“Elsa, what is going to happen to us?” Anna said quietly, trying to bring reality into play. “We can’t continue this.”

“We can make it work,” Elsa said excitedly. Anna swallowed, counted to ten in her head and braced herself. Her sensible, normally reasonable sister was lying there talking to her about ridiculous things like changing their names and getting together. She would be the strong one this time. She would stop Elsa from getting too hurt. She would bring them back from the edge of the cliff and everything would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Really appreciate the comments that people leave and thanks for reading.


	8. Chapter 8

**Present Day - Vermont**

There was something about the simple normality of watching Anna bustle around the kitchen preparing dinner that shook Elsa. Steeling herself, she pushed down the warmth that spread through her chest at the sight, ignored the pounding of her heart and tried to focus her attention on other things. The day's events played through her head as she examined every word and gesture exchanged during Anna's recollection for clues. She wanted to understand what was driving the apparent guilt Anna felt but the only difference so far was Anna admitting to instigating that first kiss.

That didn't make things Anna's fault. Anna hadn't been the one who had fallen head over heels in love with her sister. Anna hadn't been the one to lose complete sight of reality. Anna hadn't been the one to completely disgust her sister. That had all been _Elsa_.

The vivid details of the night that she had driven Anna too far were still burned into Elsa's memory. For months after the incident, she had played the whole night over and over, looking for where things had gone wrong. She had been too presumptuous. She had pushed Anna too far. She had said way too much. Elsa scrutinized every action, every kiss, every touch, over and over.

In the end though, she had been left only with the cold and harsh truth: Anna simply didn't love or want her. Elsa had cursed herself bitterly for not realizing it herself sooner. She had been too caught up in her own happiness, too blinded by the illusion that her filthy desires were somehow reciprocated to notice how Anna had really felt. Elsa was supposed to have been Anna's guardian. She had promised to take care of her sister, but instead she had done the complete opposite. She had exploited and taken advantage of Anna's kindness and generosity for her own selfish indulgence.

So why did Anna think _she_ was a monster? Elsa looked at Anna, torn by the need to ask and the desire to maintain this fragile semblance of normality between them. Anna was focused on her task at hand, chopping carrots with swift, precise strokes. Elsa watched her glide around the kitchen, chopping, stirring, tasting.

The mere sight of Anna cooking brought back so many memories. In the past, Elsa had frequently sat at the counter, reading or doing work for her classes, while Anna prepared dinner. Now, Elsa could see how the youthful enthusiasm for meal preparation that Anna had employed in the past had metamorphosed into precise and practiced grace. She longed to ask the younger woman about culinary school or Rhode Island or what she was doing now.

Once, a few years ago, Elsa had taken the Amtrak from South Station to Providence to see Anna in a fit of madness. She had stepped off the train, looked around briefly, and then realized she didn't have a clue what she was doing. Besides not knowing where to go, she had no idea what she would say or how Anna would react. Finally, crippled by anxiety, she hadn't even left the station and had simply taken the next train back to Boston in defeat. She looked at Anna now and wondered what would have happened if she hadn't left. How different might things have been?

"Food's ready," Anna announced. She came over with a steaming bowl that smelled delicious and placed it in front of Elsa. "I was going to make beef bourguignon but then I wasn't sure because it takes such a long time. You looked like you were starving so I didn't want you to wait. Well, not starving, like I'm not saying you're emaciated but you're so thin and your fridge was just a train wreck. So, I ended up just making stew because it's pretty easy and quick. Beef stew. Which is basically, beef bourguignon. But less fancy and French though—"

"Anna," Elsa said softly, cutting off the younger girl's nervous rambling. "It looks amazing. I'm sure I'll love it."

Anna smiled then. It was one of those genuine smiles that Elsa had fallen in love with. She adored how just the soft curve of Anna's lips could somehow light up her whole face with gentle warmth. _Stop staring at her,_ Elsa chastised herself. She picked up the spoon and took a bite of the stew.

"Anna, this is delicious," Elsa exclaimed smiling. How long had it been since she had eaten a properly cooked meal? Anna flashed her a toothy grin, then retrieved her own bowl and sat down at the table to join her. For the first time since Elsa had moved in, the house felt…lived in. Emotion welled in her, and Elsa took a deep breath to stop the tears that were threatening to escape.

"I missed this," Anna said, voice trembling slightly. She was also apparently struck by the nostalgia of nothing but a simple meal. "I missed you so much, Elsa. Everything. I missed even just the way you say my name." Anna laughed unexpectedly and added, "You say my name a lot."

"I missed you too," Elsa confessed, setting down her spoon. She met Anna's fierce gaze for a moment, but then looked down in shame. The intensity of those teal eyes was too much. "I'm so sorry."

"Stop saying that!" The blonde's head snapped up at the outburst of anger. "I don't want you to be _sorry_. That's all you ever say. I came here because I need my sister back!"

Elsa fought the urge to apologize again, unsure of what she should say instead. Anna sat across from her, lips pressed together, hands tightly balled, trembling as she stared at Elsa with pleading blue-green eyes.

"You weren't supposed to _leave,_ " Anna choked, voice hoarse with emotion. "Elsa, I _never_ wanted you to leave. I just wanted you to…" She trailed off, looking unsure of how to finish her sentence.

_You wanted me to stop being disgusting,_ Elsa finished for her. She took a deep breath, gathered her emotions and met Anna's eyes straight on. "I understand," Elsa said, making her voice as gentle as possible. She wanted to say more but couldn't find the right words. Instead, Elsa reached across the table and took one of Anna's hands and gently unfurled it, stroking the younger girl's palm soothingly. The grief in Anna's eyes tore at Elsa's heart. _I've caused her so much pain._

"Anna," Elsa said again, then stopped in sudden realization. Her lips quirked inappropriately in an amused smile. "I really do say your name a lot, don't I?"

Anna stared at her in silence for a moment, brows drawn together in confusion. Then, she began to giggle helplessly. Elsa followed, incited by the ridiculousness of the situation. The heavy tension in the room dissipated as both women sat there laughing.

The laughter faded but the two sisters sat for a long time at the table, just holding hands with Anna's head pillowed against Elsa's shoulder. _It's okay. Just this is okay. I can live with this._ If Elsa repeated it to herself enough, surely it would work. Deep down though, she could hear the cold voice of reason. _You know what they say about the definition of insanity, right?_

* * *

After dinner, they sat on the couch in Elsa's living room, Anna curled up on one side, Elsa on the other. Anna told Elsa about her life in New York, the restaurant she was working at, her sous chef that was ridiculously meticulous about all things in the kitchen. Elsa smiled at each new piece of information, feeling deliriously happy. She tried her best though to maintain a façade of normalcy, making sure not to smile too much or gaze too openly.

When Elsa asked about college, there was a flash of discomfort in Anna's eyes at the subject and she glossed over it. Despite her curiosity, each word from Anna was already a precious gift, and Elsa didn't dare to ask for more. She filed the subject away for later.

Eventually though, Anna began to run out of topics to talk about. She was clearly struggling to hold back asking questions, sometimes starting sentences, then stopping and quickly changing the subject to irrelevant things like a movie she saw recently. _You should tell her something,_ Elsa thought guiltily. _You owe her that._

"I moved to Boston," Elsa offered during one of the pauses. Anna's eyes widened at the disclosure, and she leaned forward, eyes focused intently on the blonde. "After…well, one of my professors at TCC gave me a referral to a job at a publishing company. I applied and got it so I moved there to work."

"Is that how you got discovered?"

"Yes, more or less." Elsa was hesitant to talk about her book. "It just happened. I wasn't really thinking about it, but one thing led to another..."

"And now you're rich and famous," Anna supplied with a grin. "Meanwhile, I'm drowning in prep work all day with a drill sergeant for a sous."

"I'm hardly rich. There's not actually a lot of money in writing," Elsa said, making a face. "I'm mean, I'm comfortable. I was able to buy this house, but it's not like I can retire for the rest of my life. I edit manuscripts now for the company. It's enough to pay the bills."

"So that's when you moved here?" Anna asked, looking around. "To Vermont."

"Yes, it was just…" Elsa trailed off. What could Elsa say now? That she had moved to Vermont because that weekend they had spent here had been the happiest memory she held? That she exiled herself to this small farm because she couldn't bear to be around people? "It was a good deal," Elsa finished lamely, hating how stupid she sounded.

Why couldn't she just be _normal_? Why was she cursed with these feelings? The earlier comfort she had found was lost now, drowned instantly in an ocean of familiar self-loathing. She was sure that Anna must have made the connection between the house and their trip. Anna must still harbor some suspicions as to Elsa's true desires.

"Elsa," Anna said suddenly, scooting closer. Her hand gently closed around Elsa's left hand and tugged at it, freeing Elsa's nails from where they had been boring holes into the skin of her elbow. "You don't need to be upset. _Please_." Anna pulled her into a tight hug, hand rubbing in soothing motions up and down Elsa's back. "You don't need to be nervous or afraid anymore."

_I'm still afraid for you_. Elsa forced herself to ignore the fluttering sensation that Anna's fingers elicited as they touched her. She extracted herself from the younger girl's arms and turned away, looking anywhere but at her sister. She needed to be the strong one. "You should probably leave in the morning."

"Wait, _what_?" Anna's voice rang with hurt and confusion. Elsa kicked herself mentally for not finding a gentler way to phrase things. Anna's anger grew with each word. "Are you serious? Elsa, I just got here. This is the first time we've seen each other in years and you're telling me to leave?"

"I just meant, you have your own life now," Elsa said, a lump forming in the back of her throat. "You need to worry about your future and your job."

"I don't care about any of that! You don't—" Anna took a deep breath. For a moment, Elsa thought she was calming herself, but then a fresh barrage of words came firing angrily towards the blonde. "You don't know what it's been like! How much I tried to find you! How much I've regretted everything that happened! And now — now I'm finally here, I finally found you and you just want me to leave?"

"Anna—" Elsa started to say, turning back towards the redhead. Teal eyes glared at her, full of hurt and anger.

" _No_! Elsa, you can't be like this. Not after all this time. You know, for _years_ I believed that maybe you would come back and talk to me. But you _never_ showed up. _Five_ years, Elsa! And then…and then I only found you because I happened to read your stupid book and stalked you like a crazy person!"

"Then maybe you should have just left me alone!" Elsa regretted the harsh words instantly but they had escaped her lips before she could stop them. Anna's eyes widened, face going pale. "I _lied_ , Anna," Elsa confessed, driving the final nails into the coffin that was their relationship. "I lied. I'm not better. I'm not normal. I'm still…" _Disgusting._

Anna lunged forward, catching Elsa off guard. Hands came up to grasp the sides of Elsa's face angrily, forcing the blonde to look at her. "How do you _still_ not get it?" Anna whispered before crushing her mouth against Elsa's in a fierce kiss.

At the feeling of Anna's lips on hers, Elsa reacted instinctively. She kissed her sister back heatedly, hands winding around Anna's neck and pulling her closer. It was everything Elsa had guiltily dreamt of for years. Everything she had ever wanted. But now, with Anna's hands in her hair, and Anna's tongue slick against her own, the only thing Elsa could feel was cold fear.

It cut through the passion ruthlessly. Elsa shoved Anna away from her in panic, chest heaving, closing her eyes to shield against the flood of memories the kiss brought.

"Elsa?" Anna's voice sounded far away. "But I thought…"

"Get out," Elsa murmured, not looking up.

"Elsa, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have—" Elsa shook her head, her hand waving away Anna's words. After a long pause, she looked up hesitantly, finally meeting Anna's gaze.

"Anna, please," Elsa pleaded, tears blurring her vision. " _Leave._ "

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say, I really appreciate the time people take to read this and leave reviews. There are some random notes about this story on my tumblr if anyone is interested. Same username.


	9. Chapter 9

**Two Years Ago – New York City**

Anna spent her twenty-first birthday alone. She woke up from the heat, uncomfortable from the sheen of sweat covering her body, and stared at the ceiling for several minutes. Eventually, the heavy silence of the apartment forced her out of bed. She stumbled into the common area and turned on the TV, feeling immediate relief at the noise it provided.

Last night, Jo had said she’d be leaving early in the morning for a two-day trip. Her roommate worked as a flight attendant and was frequently gone for days at a time. On the counter Anna found an oversized chocolate cupcake from Magnolia with a candle sticking out of the top and a present with a hastily scrawled note: _I clearly haven’t nagged you enough – J._

“Happy birthday to me,” Anna sighed sourly to the empty room. Tearing the wrapping paper off confirmed her suspicions that it was the new paperback edition of Jo’s favorite book. Jo hadn’t stopped raving about it since she read it and lately it seemed she was half in love with the author – some reclusive guy who refused to do tours or interviews even though his book had gained a dedicated following.

“It’s just so mysterious, maybe he’s writing his personal experiences,” Jo had gushed to Anna one night a few months ago, squealing as the redhead practiced her knife cuts on their dinner of “expiring produce” stir-fry. Anna, barely paying attention until that point, had stopped cutting and looked up in mild horror.

“Uh, are you excited by that? I thought the book was about a serial killer?”

“Not a serial killer! And I’m not _excited_ , but you know, it’s just so wild and mysterious. Most authors are at least on Twitter!”

“Maybe he’s just a hideous troll,” Anna had ventured, causing Jo to roll her eyes and heave a loud, irritable sigh at her dour roommate.

The book sounded horribly depressing to Anna – something she definitely didn’t need in her life. New York was meant to be a fresh start. Her two years at J&W had been a disaster comprising of copious amounts of liquor and a string of unfortunate one-night stands. The fact that she had scraped together enough credits to graduate on time was a small miracle.

Packing up her dorm room after graduation, Anna had made the resolution to forget about Elsa. Clearly her sister had no problems forgetting about her. Anna had aced her staging at Café Niçoise and gotten a permanent position as a commis. She had found a relatively normal roommate (attraction to potential serial killers aside) who also had turned into a pretty good friend. Everything had gone surprisingly according to plan.

So why had nothing changed?

Anna still checked her phone after each shift hoping for a missed call or text or email. Her breath still caught every time she walked by any platinum blondes of a certain stature. Her heart still thumped erratically whenever the door rang from an unexpected visitor. She still spent countless hours googling “Elsa Adams” and any variation she could think of. And she still was disappointed day after day.

Elsa’s memory continued to haunt Anna. It was impossible to forget about her. Anna would stay awake at night dwelling on all her regrets and imagining how things could have been different – which kiss, which touch, which embrace would have been the right time to stop? At what point could she have pulled back safely?

At the time, Anna had thought it was the best course of action. Elsa, too blinded by love, hadn’t been able to see the harm she was causing herself. She hadn’t realized she was damaging her future beyond repair. Anna had forced herself to become a monster for Elsa’s sake, saying the truths that neither of them wanted to face. It hadn’t been wrong, she told herself again and again. After all, what kind of future could they have hoped to have had?

Yet Elsa – stupid, stubborn Elsa – had thrown all of Anna’s efforts into the garbage. Whenever Anna thought about it she was furious. Elsa was supposed to have gone to a good university and gotten a great job before rising up to take her rightful place as one of the brightest and best this world had to offer. What she was most definitely not supposed to have done was disappear in the middle of the night two days after Anna’s eighteenth birthday with nothing more than a note taped to a bank account statement with the rest of their inheritance along with a notarized document transferring Elsa’s half of the house to her.

_“I know you’ll be okay. I’m so sorry.”_

Eight words. That’s all Elsa had decided the entirety of their lives together had been worth; all that she felt was necessary to disappear from Anna’s life forever.

When she had first read that note, Anna hadn’t grasped the severity. Once she had realized that Elsa didn’t intend to come back, she had called Elsa in a panic only to have it go straight to voicemail. She had called the police a few days later but they had said it didn’t qualify as missing person’s case. She had searched the house for clues as to where her sister had gone. Elsa, always the perfectionist though, had meticulously erased her presence from their childhood home – items had been neatly removed, pictures had been taken down and Elsa’s room had been stripped of all its belongings.

The fact that Elsa had managed to do all this without Anna noticing bothered the younger girl the most. Anna had spent the previous months with blinders on, determined to avoid Elsa as much as possible. She had been so afraid that given the slightest chance, she would falter. She had longed for stupid little things like falling asleep listening to the rhythmic sound of Elsa’s breathing or feeling Elsa’s fingers comb through her hair.

 _Don’t be weak_ , Anna had told herself when she wanted nothing more than to seek comfort in Elsa’s arms. _Don’t give in. You’re doing this for Elsa._

Except, in the end, Elsa had disappeared and Anna had been left with nothing but an empty, silent house with only bitter memories to comfort her.

_“Read me something,” Anna demanded sometime in the fall of her senior year. She flopped onto the couch and pillowed her head on the older girl’s lap. Elsa smiled down at her and affectionately brushed the redhead’s bangs to the side._

_“What do you want me to read?” Elsa asked, setting down the book she was holding. “I’ll go find something you’ll like.”_

_“What were you just reading now?”_

_“You wouldn’t like it,” Elsa said immediately. She paused for a long moment before adding, “There isn’t any sword fighting and you’ll say it’s too artsy.”_

_“Hey, you don’t know me!” Anna argued indignantly, but she fought back a smile because it was probably true. “Try me?”_

_“It’s a book called Written on the Body,” Elsa said, hesitantly picking the book back up. She flipped it open to the first chapter._

_“Sounds dirty,” Anna teased, earning a chastising look from Elsa. “Sorry! I’ll be good, I promise.”_

_“_ Why is the measure of love loss?” _Elsa started to read. The words had barely left her mouth before Anna made a face. Elsa closed the book before asking a bit touchily, “What?”_

_“No, it’s just like, what does that even mean?”_

_“The only way that you can measure how much you love someone is how much their loss would affect you,” Elsa said with a shrug. “At least that’s how I read it.”_

_“That seems silly,” Anna argued, sitting up. Elsa was right, just one line and the book didn’t seem like her kind of thing. She gave Elsa a sly grin and dragged her nails slowly up Elsa’s thigh, causing the older girl to shiver. “I know a different way we can measure it.”_

Anna had stumbled across the book by chance in a store in Providence a couple of months before graduation. She had stared at the title on the spine, her breath catching as she remembered that afternoon on the couch. She had opened it with trembling hands and read that first line with Elsa’s soft voice whispering in her ear. With each word Anna had felt the anger she had clung to so desperately slowly drain, leaving her with nothing to hide the magnitude of her loss.

_What did you even know about love back then?_

* * *

Anna should have had something better to do on her twenty-first birthday. Unfortunately, she had spent her last year in New York focused solely on her job, resulting in virtually a non-existent social life. It had been the easiest thing to channel her efforts on as part of her plan. Prep work wasn’t exhilarating but at least the experience helped pad her resume. As an added bonus, Chef had said she was on the short list for the grill position. Anna tried her best to convince herself she cared about these things.  

She ate the cupcake that Jo had bought her, not bothering to light the candle. Once upon a time, she used to enjoy her birthdays. She remembered cakes and presents – Elsa and her parents singing before Anna blew out the candles. That had been a time before her wishes began to only involve things like time machines or magical people-finding devices.

The rest of her birthday passed uneventfully. She tried to watch TV, tried to come up with new recipes, tried to clean – anything to take her mind off the solitude and silence that had shrouded her for the past few years. When her phone rang later in the afternoon, her heart stopped momentarily in bitterly familiar anticipation. _Idiot. It’s just Jo. Why would this year be any different?_

“Hey birthday girl! Sorry we can’t go out and celebrate.”

“Hey Jo,” Anna said, trying to not sound disappointed. “Thanks for your um, present.”

“I have to run in a few, but don’t worry. I’ll treat you to a proper birthday dinner when I’m back. The present was mostly a joke, but I still think you’d like it if you gave it a try though.”  

“I know, I keep meaning to read it,” Anna lied. Jo squealed in excitement and gushed for a few more moments about how brilliant the book was before she apologized and said she had to go.

After she hung up the phone, Anna looked around wondering what she did with the book. She spotted it on her nightstand where she had tossed it earlier – _The_ _End of Winter_ by E.I Arendelle. Anna picked it up and flipped it over to skim the back which was covered with phrases like ‘emotional rollercoaster’ and ‘poignant forbidden love.’ Anna dropped the book back onto the nightstand with a grimace. She could write her own damned book about poignant forbidden love.

“ _You’ll say it’s too artsy,”_ Elsa’s voice whispered in her head.

Irritation swept through Anna at the memory. Who was Elsa to judge her? If Elsa had known anything at all, she would never have left. If Elsa had understood even a fraction of Anna’s intentions how could she have ever done what she did? Angrily, Anna snatched the book up again and began to read.

The story itself was not something Anna would have normally read on her own. She hadn’t read a proper book since high school probably, and the books she had read back then were things like Tamora Pierce or Harry Potter. This was unlike anything Anna had usually read. A story told in first person about someone who was struggling with an uncontrollable obsession. Somehow though, instead of what should be utter disgust at the narrator, Anna felt sympathy at his struggle.

_“I see her and she’s the only evidence of spring in my isolated world. Yet instead of joy, I’m wrought with jealousy. I want to claim her light and life as mine alone. I envy Hades who could snatch Persephone to his underworld as his queen. But who am I to demand these things? Who am I to hide her from the world? A horrid, twisted creature bound by disgusting desires. It terrifies me. I am Caliban with no Prospero to shackle me. And while that monster may have cried to dream again I don’t dare – sleep holds no riches for me, only horrors.”_

Anna stopped and stared at the passage, wondering why it sounded achingly familiar. She read the passage again and again, trying to jostle the memory.

 _“She’s Persephone, the only evidence of spring in my isolated world,”_ Elsa’s voice breathed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Once again, I really appreciate all the reviews that are left and the time anyone is taking to read this. I think updates might be a bit longer than a week at this point but hopefully not more than two.


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